I had already spent a couple of weeks in self isolation when lockdown came, so it’s been a while now that I’ve had no human contact. I always believed that I’d be totally fine without it and I suppose I am except for craving a cwtch with my kids and grandkids.
Thing is, I can’t even occupy myself at home anymore, I’ve run out of craft supplies, all the shops are closed and although I’ve ordered stuff online it’s taking forever to arrive.
Netflix, Amazon videos, Nowtv and every other film app has nothing that i haven’t seen at least twice and live tv is crap. Reading books is making me see double and audio books are numbing my brain even more.
So, at the moment all I’m doing is eating, sleeping and eating some more then sleeping some more. I’m beginning to resemble a stoned potatoe wrapped in lard.
I have a routine every night to keep evilO in the living room when I go to bed. I put food in her bowl and while she’s stuffing her chops, I make a quick exit out of the door and into my bedroom. I like to have some “me” time watching telly in bed, before I settle down. Then, after about an hour it’s lights out and cosy up for the night.
You know that time when you’re half asleep and you’re just dropping off? Well, that was me when, suddenly I felt movement on the bed and my eyes opened wide as I lay still and waited to see if it happened again or if I’d imagined it. After about a minute there was nothing but stillness, so I closed my eyes again.
Nope with a capital NO!
I felt it again, no doubt about it this time. Shooting bolt upright, I switched on the lamp.
There was nothing there but I’d been so sure and my poor heart, was thumping against my chest. My mind was obviously playing tricks on me but I was feeling very uneasy now. I lay there for a little while, waiting for it to happen again but pretty soon, I was drifting off to sleep again.
All in one sudden, heart stopping, moment, I felt the quilt rise up beside me and there was a piercing yowl right next to me, as I felt foul breath in my face. My heart actually stopped and I couldn’t breathe, my belly did a triple somersault, like as if, I’d just gone over the top of the highest rollercoaster in the world! As I opened my eyes, something emerged from under my bed covers and was face to face with me in the darkness. I could just make out it’s shadowy shape, dimly lit by the lights outside in the street .
I have no words because there are no words……
I have never in my life, screamed so long and so loud!
Traumatised!
I scrambled to get out of bed and fell out, shuffling across the floor still shrieking my lungs out without taking a breath. I pulled myself up to find the light switch, shaking like the shakiest thing, that ever shook . As I flicked the light on, I braced myself ready to confront my worst nightmare and there it was……….Olive !
Perched next to my pillow, glaring at me as if I was simple. She must’ve shot into the bedroom, after I’d shut the lights off and before I’d closed the door to the living room, climbed under the bed clothes at the bottom of the bed then, very slowly and sneakily, began making her way up the bed until she popped her stupid head out, right next to my face.
I’m not gonna lie… I actually wanted to grab her by the neck and squeeze before slinging her out for good…. but I didn’t. Mostly due to the fact, I couldn’t catch her, besides the fact my hands won’t grip a fork let alone a cat but I really wanted to. throttle her.
I will never be the same again! I’m sure I have P.T.S.D. and I’m not kidding. I slept with the fairy lights on over the dressing table. Bedtimes will never be the same for me now, the lights stay on for an hour and I make a thorough search of the room before I get into bed.
When the day finally comes for me to, pop my clogs, I can guarantee that it’ll be something to do with that evil cat!
We had a little get together there other day, well, I say little but with my girls and grandkids there were 13 of us altogether and a cat of course all crammed in to my one bed flat. Everyone contributed to the snacks and placed their offerings on the table as they came in.
Unless it porridge, I can’t do porridge
I’ve never had a knack for cooking , nor even reheating things if I’m honest but I try. These days I blame it on the arthritis in my hands but my bad cooking goes back way before that.
You would think that you can’t go wrong putting pizza in the the oven and taking it back out in 15 minutes but you’re wrong. I timed it to the minute but it didn’t look done so I put it back in door a bit – a bit too long. It wasn’t burnt, just very brown so I placed on the side ready for someone to slice it up for me. I also cooked a few cheese bites , I timed them to the second. They looked very pale, aneamic I would say but at least they weren’t burnt so I called it a victory.
I call that a victory!
The girls came in and my nicely browned pizza became the topic of conversation.
“Mama , you cooked this didn’t you?”.
“Yes, I did, why?”
Roars of laughter! Daughter4 says to daughter 5, “Weren’t we talking about this the other day? How we’d be coming home from school and talking about what would be waiting for us?”
Then they both say loudly in unison, ” Mammy’s burnt pizza!” Followed by fits of giggles. Cheeky mares! I shuffled casually over to my aneamic cheese bites and placed a tea towel over them, as the hilarity over my lack of cooking skills continued. They even laugh at what I call cooking, apparently a pizza in the oven isn’t cooking. I’ll remember that for next time and give to them straight out of the freezer.
Next comes talk of dinner time when they were small and how terrifying those times could be. Well i thought those times were fun! I’d read a book on making fun and interesting, meals to get your kids to gobble up anything you put in front of them. So, everything I cooked, I would add a few drops of food colouring to it, we’d have multicoloured pasta, potatoes in various colours, blue carrots, bright green mash, red chips, blue baked beans etc.
I think there’s something wrong with the microwave
Apparently they’d sit around the table staring at the place and at each other, not wanting to be the first one to taste anything and as soon as I wasn’t looking they’d scrape it into something and dispose of it later. Well, seeing clean plates I’d think they loved it and so I’d do it again.
They wouldn’t eat crusts of bread because they didn’t want curly hair, nor carrots because when i told them they’d be able to see in the dark their little minds conjured up glowing red eyes! Telling them that if they eat up their vegetables they’d have muscles like Popeye didn’t work either, well have you seen what happens to him? Plus, every time he eats veg he undergoes a painful transformation, Big lumps break out all over him and Brutus turns up and beats him up!
The people who write these stupid books about bringing up kids, never met my kids! They’ve probably all got nannies too.
Anyway, our buffet food went down a treat, they devoured it and all that remained at the end was my brown pizza, aneamic cheesy bites ( some of which had been chewed and spat out) oh, and most of my cheese and pickles on sticks were still there too, but goodness knows how I could’ve gone wrong with those.
To be fair, I don’t even eat my own cooking. so,why would I subject anyone else to it?
I’ve been watching a reality programme called “My Cat From Hell” looking for some info on how to tame my evilO. There’s this guy called Jackson Galaxy (yep, that’s what he calls himself) and apparently, he’s a cat behaviourist. He travels all over America getting problem moggies to behave. Cat owners, as a last resort contact this cat whisperer, pleading with him to help them before it’s too late.
Some of these are really nasty, anti-social attack cats and by the end of each show he has them transformed into cats from heaven. I was really impressed, he has 100% success rate and brags continuously about that fact so, I watched almost every programme picking up tips.
“I’ve never met a cat I couldn’t help” – Jackson Galaxy
None of these cats seemed anywhere as bad as Olive and seemed quite easy to train and the only one that did come close. just wouldn’t have any of it and the final diagnosis was that the animal was mentally ill! As I watched I came to the realisation that it was more about training the owners into doing what will please their feline frenemy. However, I took it all on board and tried to connect with my little fur-ball.
I watched Jackson Galaxy as he connected to each of these unfriendly this, one after the other and I decided to try out some of his tried and trusted techniques. There was one that I was sure would work for me and the evil one, where he’d place his hand on the floor, flattened out, with a couple of treats on his palm and he’d talk to the animal softly until, it would finally make it’s way over and quietly eat the little biscuits of his hand. I did exactly the same as Mr. Galaxy and I sat on the floor and waited. Well, she sniffed and meowed, slowly coming closer to my hand and I was thinking ” Wow, this is actually working!” Until , in one split second move, she pounced, sinking her pointy little teeth hard into my hand which caused me to jump (Caused by a mix of shock and pain) and flung the cat treats up in the air. They landed on the floor a distance away and were quickly munched up by my evil frenemy.
I reckon , when they show the scene where a newly calm and relaxed creature, eats off Jackson’s hand, they must’ve already filmed 27 scenes which failed completely . I’d often wondered why this cat whisperer always carried a guitar case around with him but I think it must be kinda like a ” cat mafia” thing, like when ,they carry a weapon inside a violin case. Anyhow, I didn’t give up. Well, on that particular method, I did but I thought I’d try something else instead.
The slow blink
Who owns whom?
Apparently, if you make eye contact with a cat and very slowly close your eyes, pause for a second then open them slowly, you’re saying, “I love you “ and if if your furry friend does the slow blink back at you, they’re saying they feel the same about you. Well it looked easy enough and I thought it may help a bit towards us being more friendly towards each other. I waited until the time was right and Olive was sat on the coffee table facing me, staring, unblinkingly at me and I made my move. I made sure she was looking into my face and I closed my eyes slowly. As I paused with eyes shut I smiled to myself. Realising that this could be the very moment when everything changes for the evilO and me and I slowly opened them again……… and there she was, gone. Yep, I just caught the tail end of her, leaving the room. I decided to be grateful that she didn’t bite or scratch me while my eyes were closed but even that stung a little, to be honest.
When there was finally an episode where the cat was as wonky as Olive and would attack anyone and everyone for no reason at all, he could not change it at all. He decided that the only explanation had to be that, this feral feline must be mentally disturbed and that it needed to be medicated…….. well, even I could’ve told him that! I’ve decided to leave things as they are between us now, with a mutual tolerating of one another and everyone else can fend for themselves.
I don’t watch the news, there are some who say I should, but no. I’ve got more than enough problems of my own to stress about, I don’t need to be stressing about the rest of the world and problems I have no control over and can’t do anything about.
Obviously I knew it was raining I could see it through the window and sat quietly in the dark, I found it quite soothing and relaxing, with it hammering against my window as well as the ground outside. The wind was howling and I lay in bed listening to it. I hadn’t slept properly for days and it was 2am again, I was exhausted, Finally , I drifted off to sleep.
Next thing I know a phone was ringing in the distance, it just kept ringing and ringing then, I realised it was the landline ringing off the hook had a surge of fear of something being wrong with one of the kids.
I practically fell out of bed, bouncing off the door frame as I stumbled out of the bedroom. Felt like I’d been in the pub all night but i was drunk from knackeredness, no alcohol involved.
I answer the phone and hear an automated voice telling that “the river cynon has burst it’s banks, red alert urgent flood warning, you must take immediate action”. 😡 I was not amused! Firstly, it’s gone 3 o’clock in the morning and she didnt say what kind of action I had to take . As a disabled person i would expect some offer of assistance if i was about to float away at least. I don’t know what they’re expecting from me, it’s past 3am and I only have 1 eye open , well its open halfway, maybe.
Should I hobble down the street with one eyed squint, carrying a mop and bucket? Should i try n get the water back in the river maybe?
She really should have given me a specific plan of action. I’m not good in ” urgent flood warning” situations, never mind vague 3am calls about red alerts and immediate actions.
I decided on an immediate plan of action and it was to have a little snack and and go back to bed .
Next, I posted on Facebook, “Now here’s a serious warning … nobody disturb me again for at least 24 hours Please!!! Even if you see me floating past still asleep in my bed, do not disturb me, just quietly watch me float away. Thank you. Goodnight 🤯😡😴
What a difference a day makes!
I slept through most of the next day and ignored the phone and my mobile vibrating until it finally drove me mad and I answered it , What, I’m sleeping”. My girls had been ringing all day and worried that i had actually floated away.
Storm Dennis
I’d had no idea of how bad it was, and I’d gone back to bed.
Storm Ellen is about to hit us now, hopefully I’ll sleep through her tantrum as well. I’ll wear my wellies and waterproofs to bed though just to be on the safe side.
Grandkids are an absolute blessing, the very best gift you could ever receive in life. I am truly blessed as mine are such great company with their individual little personalities, they’re hilariously funny, quirky little weirdos and I can’t imagine a time when i didn’t have them around.
Last weekend I had little S. (8) and baby T. (4) for the afternoon. Well, S. as is her usual routine on entering nanny’s house, goes straight to the fridge ( so that she knows what to ask for in the next few hours) and then with a chocolate bar in hand she goes to get my tablet, brings it to me and asks to play games, this is before she even takes her coat off.
I was in the kitchen when she asked me and I’d said yes, half hour later she was still in the exact spot except that she’d sunk onto the floor as she disappeared into a virtual world. I knew that when I got it back later she’d have deleted most of my apps so that she could make room for new games that’s how it usually goes. For while, little S. does not look up from her virtual world. until the tablet’s dead and finally, she will emerge from her cocoon of fantasy in the hope that she can get me to give in and allow her to remain attached to it and continue her game while it’s plugged in to the wall .. Alas, I will not. Why? Because I’m not very nice apparently but hey-ho, I can deal with that. Big sister S. is the mirror image of her mam in every way. She’s kind and thoughtful, sensitive and always looking after others. She never stops smiling and can make friends at the drop of a hat with anyone, anywhere. She only ever been on the verge of being a bit naughty about twice in her whole life. She writes stories about enchanted forests, princesses, fairies and happily ever afters and I do believe , that’s the world she lives in .
Yesterday, the 2 girls and their big brother were here and big bro (age 13 and 3/4) was proof reading this and was cracking up coz he was watching it play out just as it was written.
Now baby T. is an entirely different quirky, little kettle of fish. This one is a little whirlwind, full of beans and does not stop talking, she even follows me to the loo so that she can still talk to me through the door. Baby T, is seriously petite and looks so fragile ( Looks can be so deceiving) she has delicate little features and is unbelievably cute with strawberry blonde hair. She was was walking and talking before the age of 1 year which I found very unsettling. I used to call her Chucky . Picture this, you see a baby ( who is small for her age) she looks about 5-6 months old, you begin to do the goo -goo, gaa-gaa thing and all the baby talk with a silly voice when sudden she frowns . shouts ” Stop it!” gets up and toddles off . It used to freak me right out. She demands to be occupied constantly, so we do stuff like writing, drawing, painting, singing, playing with toys and then I become a life size doll, ( kinda like Granny Barbie) and she’s doing hairdressing like mammy. Oh my word, after an hour of this one “brushing” my hair, and my ears and my face, and trying to get it into a bobble. After a while it began to feel like I was being scalped and I considered having my head shaved! Each time I screamed, she would take a deep breath and say ” Oookaaayy, that’s enough” or ” Sorry, but I have to do it” or ” Well keep still or I’ll just have to start again” and the best one, ” It’s supposed to hurt a bit, it always does so, stop moving !” said through gritted teeth. I tell her she’s my angel or a little cutie and she always gets quite annoyed and say, ‘ No! Stop saying that! I’m not delicious, I’m a ratbag and your little piglet.’ Ha, ha!
Piglets are just the cutest things ever!
When baby T. was a newborn she was a right little bundle of fun….NOT! Even at a couple of months old, the very second that she heard my voice her whole body would jolt and she would scream her tiny little head off, seriously. When she was settled again, if I spoke she’d be off again! If I had to hold her for any reason I was almost afraid to breathe never mind speak, she was already in control and we didn’t even know it. For the first 18 months of her life we didn’t bother much, she would never come to me and I was ok with it lol. My daughter would get so upset that we hadn’t bonded but it was mutual between me and boss baby.
Somehow , we became besties and she became my mini me. People often comment that she’s so much like me and even I see it and it cracks me up. We bounce off each other and find each other so hilarious that we pick up each others sayings and mannerisms. When I hear her come out with one of my phrases and with right attitude too, it creases me , much to the annoyance of her mother.
The oldest of my grandbabies is “D” and he’s a typical teenager , which seemed to happen all of a sudden. He doesn’t say much anymore just stares at his phone and grunts when you speak to him. He turned up recently as he was going to get his hair cut, his mam and her best friend are really good hairdressers/stylists but he insists on going to his own barber and as he pays for it himself who can argue. he came down on the bus and got off 2 stops early to go and buy me chocolates and then walked to my place in the pouring rain. I was so chuffed I made them last ages. He’s been here all afternoon but he shut himself in the bedroom watching youtube and only emerging periodically to fill a plate with food. I’ll be patient and watch as a handsome young man breaks free, from the cocoon that is, the adolescent years.
Two Little Boys
Beginning of the week I get 2 little boys for the price of 1 for the day. Again, they are obsessed with downloaded games.
C. Age 9, loves his new phone and texts me even when I’m only at the other end of the room.
As I’m trying to make them dinner, my phone’s making so much noise I have to go and check it and it’s C. texting me to ask how long dinner is going to be 😂 l text him back saying ‘ How long is a piece of string?’. He looked up from his phone and frowned at me, ‘ Nanny I just had to leave my game to read that, why didn’t you just say it with your words, I was winning and I forfeited now’. Oh really? I thought we weren’t using our actual words today and me having to read your messages nearly forfeited dinner!
His little brother C.J. age 4 has autism and although he struggles to understand some things, there are other things that he’s an absolute whizz at. For example, he doesn’t get why he can’t go up to a person and lick their face if that’s what he wants to do or how his actions might affect someone else’s feelings but when it comes to cars he’s a flip floppin genius! He has memorised the name of every make of car that he’s ever seen anywhere and you show him a badge thingy of a car and he’ll tell you what car it’s off! He’s amazing! And B.M.W. is definitely his favourite followed by Lambourgini coz he says them a lot. He does make me laugh coz he says whatever he thinks without filters , for example, I hadn’t long got out of bed when they arrived the other morning so no make up and hair in a bobble. He’s staring at me so I ask him what’s the matter and he said, ‘ You look ugly today, not nice’. Ummmm ok, well my own fault for asking lol, but he then added, ‘ I still like you’. Now how’s that for a compliment! He can seem very blunt at times but it’s just how he is , when he told me to make dinner I said and what do you say? (meaning please) and he thought for a second and said ‘ I’m hungry’. Oh my days I couldn’t help laughing.
These two brothers are like chalk and cheese and can’t go two minutes without arguing or winding each other up but while I was making food I glanced over and they were sat together on the settee one on their phone and the other on my tablet, not speaking or interacting at all. I thought that were just blanking each other but they were actually playing an interactive game where they were actually helping one another! They can’t play an actual real life game together and yet in a virtual reality their avatars were best friends , flabbergasting!
Yesterday my little visitor was 2 year old E.R. another adorable little ratbag. She claimed a Mickey Mouse bag as soon as she came in and proceeded to claim anything else she fancied and stash it in her bag. There was an assortment of new batteries, a packet of biscuits. some bangles and goodness knows what else. She wanted to make cards for mammy and daddy so I got the craft stuff out and laid it out on the table for her to be as creative as she liked. Oh my life alive, never let a 2 year old girl loose with pva glue and glitter! It was lush though she was really concentrating and kept saying , ‘ Ooooo mammy’s gonna love this nanny coz it’s ‘boo-ree-fl’ (beautiful) isn’t it?’ I just love hearing her say ‘ boo-ree-fl’ and had her saying it all day. Dinner was potatoes, ham, mixed veg and parsley sauce, but when I asked if she wanted Parsley and showed it to her she scrunched her little face up and said , ‘ No nanny I like eating clean tatoes I don’t like that gravy’. I was in stitches! She sat at the table eating her clean tatoes while I dished out my own and I see her walking to me hold something and frowning. She wrinkled up her nose and said why did you give me this? I said, Don’t you like sweetcorn? Yes I do she said but my dinner’s not pizza!’ this is for pizza.’ I just giggled and sat down with her to eat. She was looking at me with such a pitying face and she said , ‘ Ahhh nanny your tatoes is dirty now, you must have clean tatoes like me and then it will be nice’. so cute I could eat her with a spoon but when I said it she told me I can’t coz she’s not food. She needed a rest a bit later and so she dragged her little blanket into my room and we laid on the bed and watched chipmunks on telly. I think we were both dropping of when Olive flew from the top of the wardrobe and onto the bed. I screamed and jumped so high I left the bed which my tiny toddler thought was the funniest thing ever and she has the most contagious laugh.
Her mammy came to pick her up and asked if she’d had fun and she shook her head and said no! As they walked to the car though she ran back to me crying to stay with me haha! It sounds cruel but I was chuffin’ like a muffin’ coz she doesn’t usually even look back and wave bye .
I can’t imagine for a split second not having the piglets and ratbags around me. Even when they spill a drink 3 times on the trot, demolish my make up, colour on my furniture, empty my toiletries all over the floor or have a toilet paper party in the bathroom ( I could go on and on) I just love their company and and we have so much fun. If I can make them feel anywhere near the way my nan made me feel, that would be all I could ever ask for. She made me feel loved and safe and warm, my nan’s house was the only place that I didn’t feel afraid and where I was most happy .
I do love my bedroom, not just because I love to be in bed but it;s so peaceful and cosy and pretty. I love it. Only thing I’d change if I could , is the fact that it opens up onto a busy street where there’s a constant flow of traffic , both on the road and pavement. Free parking for an hour too, right outside my window so cars come and go all day long and into the night. My bedroom window is always ajar , it’s something I’ve always done and I get to hear many part conversations, either as people are passing or when they’re getting in and out of their cars. I’ve no idea why, but people often stop and chat immediately outside my window and even when they’re speaking quietly I hear every word they say.
A woman walking up the street with a tantruming child, shouting at him to stop crying ,or else…. he keeps crying. The mam is ranting and raving louder than her kid and seems to be having a tantrum of her own, screeching down the road, ” Stop crying right now this minute or I’m taking those sweets off you”. The child keeps on wailing. So the mother’s shouting again. ” I mean it I’ll take your sweets off you”. He’s not stopping. She starts counting down from 5, ” 5 seconds to calm down or I’m taking them”. When I get to 1 I’m taking them, I am….
“I’m taking your sweets.”
I wanted to shout out of the window ” For goodness sake woman, just take them already!”
Now, the boy seems to be howling even louder and I was tempted to go out there and take them off him myself!”. Then after all that, she says, ” Fine when we get home all your toys are going in the bin.”
I’m thinking to myself, “Hang on a minute you haven’t taken the sweets from him yet so I doubt if hes at all worried about his toys.”
Needless to say the little boy wasn’t concerned about his toys as he still had his sweets and wailed all the way up the street, fading into the distance.
It’s not just noises, I get all sorts of smells wafting in to my room too. Some I don’t mind, like the ones from the chip shop over the road but some are not so appetising.
I was asked the other day if I’d been on the “funny fags”. I assumed this was because I’m so dopey and always munching but no, there was a distinct smell of that colour, floating about in here. You’d be surprised how many people go up and down this road buzzing of it, I’m sure it’s in the building somewhere too there’s no escaping it.
I was doing my hair and listening to some guy talking on his mobile outside, he was so close I thought for a second that he was in the room with me.
All he kept saying was, “Have you spoke to Mary about it?” ” Well what did Mary say?” ” I’m going to have to talk to Mary about it”. I wondered if Mary was his boss or his wife, or both 🤣
Then comes the second hand smoke polluting the air. I yanked the blinds back and he was right there, facing me, still going on about Mary and doing a good impression of Puff the Magic Dragon towards me!
I think he was too busy admiring his own reflection to notice me at first so I did the ” uh hu hum” thing and then I did it again but louder. He gave me a look of annoyance and turned his head away from me but didn’t move away from my window at all. 🤨 People are so rude , it’s shocking, no manners at all. “Disgraceful behaviour!” I said loudly, ” What would Mary say if she could see you? she’d be ashamed! ” He looked at me with a sour face and I nodded at him, ” Mary would be ashamed of you” I pointed at him. “Yes, You.”
Well , he looked at me like I was a nutty person, tutted at me and then, put his fag out right there on my window! The cheek! I was not amused. If anyone knows Mary please tell her for me.
Well, there I was then with my spray , trying to reach out and clean the black marks off but I drop my cloth outside. It was only a blue jeye cloth but still it was a new one. It’s a heck of a trek to go around there from my door so, I just waited in the window and asked the next passer by to hand it to me. Straight away I dropped it again and called the bloke, to pick it back up for me but he pretended not to hear me.
So, off I trotted to get my jeye cloth and as I passed my kitchen window , I could not believe my eyes! Someone had drawn a very grafic drawing of a penis on my kitchen windowsill, in permanent marker 😡
I’ve been out there with bleach and everything but at least I don’t have to look at it from in here.
I’m assuming it was the artist’s attempt at a self portrait and I’m sure it was a very good likeness too.
Oh and back to being Alarmed! It’s Thursday morning I’m assuming ,as I’ve just had my weekly dose of adrenaline overdose from the maintenance guy and I’m sure he heard my screams as he left the building looking smug. 😑
I settled in to my new flat immediately, it felt like home right from day one. Relaxing in front of the telly one morning with a cup of coffee and Olive on my lap when, suddenly the loudest noise I have ever heard in my life, pierced not only my ears but my very soul! I jumped so high my butt left the couch and Olive shot off like a bat out of hell to her secret hiding place and my coffee hit the floor. It only lasted a few seconds but seriously! I did my version of running and opened the front door just in time to catch the maintenance guy passing and he explained that this would happen every Thursday morning to test the fire alarms in the building.
I decided that this would forever be etched in my memory. My memory isn’t all that clever these days and the following few Thursdays started with a shock!
One morning I was actually on the loo and I don’t know what was the biggest shock, the siren going off or Olive landing on my lap and latching onto my bones with her claws. The alarm seemed to go on longer than usual but then I realised that, it was me screaming my lungs out.
Another time, I was asleep and tried to jump out of bed but stumbled into the bathroom door, ending up on my bum. This is when I had a brainwave, of setting a reminder on my phone for 9am every Thursday so that I would be prepared from then on. Brilliant! I would no longer get caught unawares.
Following week, I was relaxing with a cuppa in front of the telly and scrolling through my phone when suddenly that shocking siren pierced my brain again! with a lap full of coffee, my phone flying across the room and Olive at the top of the curtain I checked the day and time. Wednesday 14:30? A day early! Olive and I have come to the conclusion that the maintenance guy is obviously out to get us. We haven’t decided how to deal with this yet but we’ll keep you updated and any and all suggestions will be considered.
Don’t be fooled I often speak about ‘ a restful day’but truth be told, no day ( or night ) is really restful not with Olive around. She’s been really friendly lately , well at least to me, which led me into letting my guard down.
And the award for best actress goes to …….. She waited for the day that I was dressed in a skirt for a meeting, I had bare legs and she launched herself at them like a demented tiger clawing at my skin. Blood dripped down my leg for ages afterwards even at the meeting . dirty rat! Late afternoon I was shattered. Made myself a coffee and made myself over to my usual place on the couch and plonked myself down. Meanwhile ‘ The Evil One’ had somehow plced herself under my bum and as I sat down she yowled and bit my butt. I jumped up in shock shouting out throwing my coffee across the room as Olive shot out of the room. No doubt she was in the mirror somewhere , posing at her triumph over me, yet again. So, making myself a sandwich. Ham and cheese salad with mustard and a packet of crisps. Lush! Next thing I know … Thump! Catgirl , flew from on top of the kitchen cupboards making me scream and step backwards trying to steady myself as I watched her licking my sandwich! I continued to scream as I had no words as she gave me a smug look and strolled off with a noticable swagger. I screamed a little louder. The Evil Continues
I carried on in the kitchen, cleaning up after myself . I opened a draw and a cupboard and left them open as I put things away ,then I closed them up and watched a bit of telly. I went back to the kitchen to put some tea towels into a drawer. I folded a tea towel and reached into the drawer to tuck it in just as Olive’s litle head popped out of the draw an dgave a loud ‘Meowwwww!’ I have no words. I’m sure I nearly died. I felt my heart hit my chest as I tried to steady myself but this time I fell on my fat butt. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry so I screamed , yet again.
You would think that your bathroom is the most private place to be, well, it is to me. I was sat on the loo, listening to Olive scratching at the door to be let in and I was thinking no chance, I need this space to myself thank you very much. Then to my horror, the door slowly started to open into my bedroom. The blinds were wide open but I thought as long as I leaned back no-one could see me, until I realised that anyone walking up the street , who happened to glance in, could see into the big dressing table mirror which reflected me perched on the toilet! I wasn’t there for long.
The Evil One
At night, I have to shut Olive in the living room or she’ll be walking all over me all night and biting my face and hair, so at bedtime I looked for her everwhere but she refused to be found. I searched the bedroom and she wasn’t in there so I just shut the door and got ready for bed. Half asleep, I pulled back the bed clothes and climbed into my lovely cosy bed, just as the evil one shot out from under my quilt and I sat there whimpering quietly , trying to stop my body and soul from vibrating more than the biggest vibrating thing in the world.
As I lay in my bed , wide eyed, I remembered how the thought of getting a cat had never ever even crossed my mind. I don’t even like cats. how boring and uneventful would my life be without this one though.
After one heck of a long morning, I decided on a restful afternoon. However, at almost 5pm I realised I needed a few things in town. Shops dont close til 5.30pm so I figured I’d have plenty of time. I got to B&M grabbed a basket and started to wander up the first aisle but before I even got halfway up they announced that the store was closing. I was loitering around the chocolates when they announced it again but you can’t rush round B&M you might miss something that you need.
I was deciding on a new flavour of airfreshener as the last one gave me a headache, when they made another announcement that the store was now closed. I got as far as the toiletries and realised that I was being watched by 2 of the employees. I meandered down the aisle being careful not to miss anything and they followed behind me at the same pace, stopping when I stopped, moving when I did. I thought it would be fun to do a little dance to see if they’d do that too but they just stood still and stared at me blankly.
When I got to the third ailse there was another one, already standing at the far end as well as the 2 following behind me. I was being stalked! They announced again that the store was closed and asked if the customer would make their way to the checkout, which I was doing but they have an assortment of pretty wooden things with quotes on to hang on the wall and I couldn’t decide which one to get. I asked the assistant at the front of me which one they would get but she just frowned and said she didn’t know. See, she couldn’t decide either.
Whoever made this , obviously never met Evilo
On the next aisle another employee decided to join the party and another little group had gathered at the end by the checkout. It was like that film, ‘The Stepford Wives’ or ‘Invasion of the Body Snatchers’ and it was quite intimidating to be honest but I’d arrived at the bluetooth speakers and I’ve been needing a new one for ages. They’d repeated the last announcement another twice but I was trying to find the cheapest one, I couldn’t go any quicker.
Finally, I had what I wanted and slowly made my way down to the checkout, pausing here and there just to keep them on their toes. I felt like a filmstar surrounded by an entourage of people who couldn’t take their eyes off me. There were even a couple watching me from the doors waiting to open them for me. I felt special in a different way to usual. For once, I didn’t mind packing my own bag as I wasn’t holding up the queue so could go at my own pace. As I exited the shop I looked back at them all watching me leave and I smiled and thanked them and did the same to the couple at the door and they looked very smiley back as they locked the doors behind me.
I really had fun shopping this evening I might make 5pm my regular daily shopping time from now on.
I don't even like cats! 